If not exactly perfect, I think we at least want them to conform to our personal ideals.

This, yes. Definitely. Nothing more disappointing to me than a strong female lead who has a messy homelife. I utterly hate that. Yet in male leads, I don't nearly care that much. I think it has to do with, for me, that I desire the men (being straight) while place myself in the woman's shoes. Which means that if she does something that I think is stupid, it annoys me, when she does something I can't do (like look ultra feminine) I feel it like a personal slight -- I can't be like my heroine.

It makes it a much more treacherous road, and I can imagine that might create the sort of absurd, extreme bashing you allude to. I've been in Torchwood fandom and the casual bashing of Gwen is extremely disturbing, especially since so often, when challenged, those people deny bashing her and claim they are 'right'. Very weird.